Here's the thing: There's too much going on. 

Too many ideas, too much stimuli, too much media. There's just too much.

In a world where it looks easy to start up a business, to get followers online, to be self sufficient and self-made, I find myself having an extremely difficult time organizing my thoughts, aspirations and goals. I feel like this is why myself and so many others, though creative and driven, find themselves stuck in stagnation and complacency. 

It's overwhelming to think about all of the possibilities that are available to us in this day and age of immense social media, social marketing, and "from the comfort of your own home" start-ups growing into multi-million dollar companies, from literally nothing but a post that circulated the internet, overnight. It is too much for people like me, who want exactly that, who want to be able to travel and spend more time with their spouses and children, but have too many thoughts and too many ideas to center their focus on one. The most frustrating part of this for me is that I can feel pieces of who I am beginning to drift and fall to the wayside. I am  irritable, I've lost so much of my spunk and overall joy for life, and oftentimes I find myself just simply being rude for no reason.

So in this post, I am going to talk about how I finally narrowed down my aspirations and my focus to fit my vision and my goals for this blog and for my future.

Yesterday, I sat behind my desk at my day job, and I cried. I cried because I miss my daughter, I miss out on so much of her day-to-day learning, and although she's always in great hands, they aren't my hands which makes me feel guilty and absent. I cried because when I get home, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I don't have the energy to play and run around with her like I do on the weekends, and she isn't old enough to understand why mommy just wants to turn on Moana for the third night in a row and have some peace and quiet. I cried because a lot of the time, I'm irritable with my fiance because I project my stress about projects and month-end submissions and deadlines onto him. I cried because in 18 days, I'm marrying the love of my life, and all I can think about is how much work I am going to return to after our wedding.

I cried because I didn't know what to do about it.

I thought about this blog and got discouraged, I thought about how I didn't really know what direction I was taking this in and how I hadn't even posted since February. I thought I had hit a dead end, and this was just the way life was. This endless, stationary, dormant, complacency. 

So I took out a piece of paper, and I scrawled a few bullet points on it. I didn't think about what could earn me the most money, or the most praise, I simply wrote down anything that I felt VERY passionate about. I told myself I would do this in less than 10 bullet points, so my thoughts didn't get muddled and I ended up right back in square one with no pivotal focal point.

First up: Parenting. My daughter is my absolute world. Period.

Second: Writing. Given. ;)

Third: My relationships. Specifically, being able to be present in my relationships, not only with my fiance but also with my family and friends, is so important to me.

I think the first 3 points in this list are pretty much standard, but the more I kept writing, the more I had to delve into myself to remember what I was passionate about BEFORE I became a mom, a wife, a blogger. (Have I earned the right to even call myself that after 2 posts? :P) 

Fourth: Simplicity. In other words, cutting out allllll the bull shit. The idea of living simply, clearing out my closet and my house of all unnecessary additives, cutting out waste and cutting back on the things we really don't need.

Fifth: Self sufficiency. Not only do I strive for self-sufficient career and income, but the thought of being able to live off of my own land, grow my own food, provide for my own family, that goal is one that I have aspired to achieve for as long as I can remember. 

Sixth, and finally: Homesteading. And this one is broad, so try to follow me. This ties in with #5, but is a very clear vision for me so I needed to make it into its own point. If someone were to ask me that standard interview question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" my answer would undoubtedly be, "Thriving on my own land, droves of kids and chickens running amuck, a sweet, old cow named Helga, who's both a companion and a source of milk, and a happy husband who lives off of my homemade sun tea and apple pies." This is my ultimate dream. This is my ultimate goal. Though I've toyed with the career choice of real estate, transcription, dispatching, forensics, (and the list goes on and on) nothing sparks the fire and meshes with my soul quite like the thought of this dream. I might not be able to achieve it all right now, but what I can do is work with what I've got. Urban homesteading is not unattainable, and if anything, it will give me a good taste of what to expect on a larger scale for the future. 

I urge you to take a moment and revert back to the ol' pencil and paper, and jot down the things that mean the most to you. The things that light a fire within you and make you feel whole.

So here I am, and that brings us to today. Today, there are no tears behind a desk. There are no upset texts to my fiance telling him how frustrated and stressed out I am.

There are only plans, ideas, butterflies and complete faith in a vision that will eventually lead me to a 5 acre plot and a cow named Helga.